Peanuts + Archie = Spider-Man?

They’re at it again. I didn’t think I’d be writing a full article about the Spider-Marriage (or it’s dissolution and dancing on the grave by the Spider-Writers) again. Besides, what can I say that MadGoblin hasn’t already said better? But as the line goes, every time I think I’m out, they pull me back in.

Comic Book Resources has two articles dealing with the latest news from Wizard World Philadelphia. Here’s the lowdown: Mary Jane is back in New York, in a world where she and Peter Parker were never married, thanks to the non-couple using Satan to save Aunt May’s life. (I wonder what Aunt May would say, were she to learn all this?) However, she’s not really back to see Peter, even though they’re going to cross paths sooner or later.

But you know who else is back? Felicia “Black Cat” Hardy. And now that nobody post-Brand New Day knows that Spider-Man is Peter, she may be looking to rekindle things with our favorite wall-crawler. Joe Kelly, in a Newsarama interview:

JK: Just that it’s going to be a lot of fun. After writing something as heavy as American Son, it’s fun to write something that’s just about Spidey and his raging libido and a lady in black spandex.

OK, let me see if I’m following this. First, we’re told that what “everybody” loves about Spider-Man (and by everybody they mean the current “Spider-Writers”–sorry, but “webheads” is too close to “airheads” for me to lose all objectivism in these posts) is that he’s the eternal loser.

OK. So then even with both of them in town, there’s no way Peter’s going to get “lucky”, right? I mean this many story arcs and he hasn’t done much in the way of dating. Besides, the Spider-Writers went out of their way to end the marriage (short of divorce, which would have “aged” the character, and “we” they don’t want to do that), so MJ isn’t going to care about her ex. And Spidey and the Black Cat have been splitsville for years…

Oh, for the love of Stan Lee! Honestly? Didn’t we do this bit in the 80’s? What about all the new, better stories we were supposed to get. Sure, we just got over Green Goblin with a paint job (not that anyone complains about Hobgoblin), but at least we have gotten a (half-hearted) attempt at trying new things. And now we’re getting the love triangle again? Hell, why not resurrect Gwen Stacy for the fifth time, and see how that works out? So I guess I have to update the action figure again.

Oh, it gets worse. Remember the last “we can’t divorce them” plot to eliminate the Spider-Marriage, the infamous Clone Saga? Yeah, they’re going back to that with “Who Is Ben Reilly?”. And the classic foes are coming back in a story called “The Gauntlet”, where each of them are going to battle Spidey one after the other in the hopes of wearing him out (instead of the usual dogpile attack that never works, so at least someone is thinking). Actually, that sounds interesting, even if Power Rangers does that story every series. I just wish someone I trust was behind it, instead of the guys who thought Norman Osborn running SHIELD’s replacement and J. Jonah Jameson as Mayor (while his father marries Aunt May) were good idea.

I think I know the real story about how Ultimate Spider-Man dies. He saw what’s happening in the main Marvel Universe and every other Ultimate title, and committed suicide before he was next.