The Super Mario Brothers Movie I WANTED To See

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Sure I could have used the ACTUAL trailer, but where’s the fun in that? Anyway, I’ve got OverClocked Remix’s Mario playlist going on in the background, so let’s talk Mario Brothers. Did you hear the movie is out? The good one that actually takes place in the Mushroom Kingdom instead of some urban sci-fi city where dinos and mushrooms all evolved into humans for reasons? I’m a creationist and even I know that’s not how that works. Super Mario Brothers the live-action movie was a flop and rightly so, and fans of the plumber siblings have been wanting a proper adaptation ever since that trainwreck smashed into theaters.

It seems we finally have it in the form of The Super Mario Brothers Movie. I hear it’s really good, and that was after concerns in the animation community who weren’t fans of Illumination’s work declaring it would be terrible. Sure, look at the competition between the live-action movie and that rather odd anime that was found a few years ago, but the TV shows are still liked by fans. So Illumination apparently learned from those shows. Peach may not be the damsel in distress but she still needs help and struggles like any good hero, is only good because she’s had more practice, and if you’re honest with yourself we’ve seen her join the action on and off ever since Super Mario Bros. 2 so it’s not completely ridiculous that Princess Peach Toadstool could join in the day saving. No, this isn’t the dealbreaker for me when it comes to Illumination’s film.

It’s also not the references that even look blatant in the trailers. Did we really need a scene in Super Mario Kart? Bringing in the antagonist from Wrecking Crew was cool and maybe they even grabbed Stanley The Bug Man from Donkey Kong 3 (see if he’s in the background having a salad or something) but for someone who hasn’t seen it this just feels like “hey, look at the obscure stuff we know” references rather than anything that matters to the plot. That’s usually a bad sign but thankfully they seem to have made it work. I do like the Super Mario Brothers Super Show theme for the Mario Brothers Plumbing commercial. They even made the website for their business, which is always a fun touch–and may or may not be active depending on when you read this.

It’s nearly everything a fan of the games and extended media could want…unless you’re me because I’m a picky schmuck at times and this is one of those times. The same thing happened with Scooby-Doo: Mask Of The Blue Falcon. It’s intended to be a tribute to the original work but doesn’t give me what I wanted from the original work. I know enough about this movie’s plot to know that this wasn’t the movie I wanted to see. So what did I want from a Super Mario Brothers movie? More brothers.

Here’s what I know. Mario and Luigi end up in the Mushroom Kingdom and have to fight Bowser. Not unusual. The problem, as the Honest Trailer notes, is that Luigi is spending most of the movie in a cage above a pool of lava while some cutesy star that I pray is an adult with vocal effects and not an actual child saying those lines cheers on the sweet release of death. Mario has to save the day and Peach instructs him because she’s been there longer and also wants his help in rescuing her kingdom (and possibly her) from becoming Bowser Koopa’s conquest. Mario is getting to do all the cool things and Luigi is doing all the suffering. That’s not what I was here for.

What I wanted to see is right in the title: The Super Mario Brothers Movie. I wanted to see a story where Mario and Luigi work together to save the Princess or the Kingdom (because we can’t have girls getting rescued anymore due to “the wrong message” or some crap). The DIC Entertainment (which is owned by…somebody that I lost count of) trio of The Super Mario Brothers Super Show, The Adventures Of Super Mario Brothers 3, and Super Mario World (the last two originally airing on NBC bundled with Captain N: The Game Master) and to a lesser extent the Valiant Comics run have set Mario and Luigi’s personalities. Mario is the brave one, always ready to jump head first into action, but not the brightest one. Luigi is more cautious and thus has taken less hits to the noggin. Actually, Luigi is the nervous one but when part of your life involves rescuing your friends from haunted mansions by becoming a second rate Ghostbuster that’s bound to happen, even if you do get a pet ghost dog. I wanted to see these two play off each other and learn from each other. Let me pitch what I have in mind.

Okay, of course I don’t know how the movie starts so let’s get into where the change should happen: how they arrive. Instead of splitting them up have Mario and Luigi arrive together to find Princess Peach in the process of being captured by the Koopa Troopas. Have a bunch knocked out or let us see them get knocked out so we know Peach and maybe Toad are simply being overwhelmed by numbers rather than her being the damsel in distress. Modern Hollywood won’t let them do that, so fine. Work with what you got. Mario jumps right into battle while Luigi breaks any captured mushroom people or other citizens out of their cages. Peach is grateful for the “two brave heroes” sent to save them, and Mario is totally on board but Luigi is the sensible one and tries to remind Mario they aren’t “mighty champions” but plumbers from Brooklyn who need to get home. This showcases the difference between the two I mentioned. Both are good guys and Luigi kind of wishes he could help but he knows they aren’t up to fighting a whole army just because they “got a bit lucky” with these half-wit goons. Luigi may see this as a fluke, Mario insists they’re heroes, and the truth may actually be somewhere in the middle to the audience.

From there we can have Peach train BOTH brothers, both failing because of the flaws in their individual personalities keeping them from succeeding. Mario dives head first and get smacked around while Luigi is too cautious and isn’t able to succeed at anything. Eventually they start to get the hang of power-ups and the other video game rules of the Mushroom Kingdom but still aren’t completing the course because they aren’t working together and may even get in each others’ way. Luigi is ready to give up and Mario isn’t. Peach finally decides their only hope is the ally with the Kongs and all that plays out, only now Luigi is there cheering his brother on but trying to stop him from being so rash, which is why he’s losing. It’s only when Mario starts listening to Luigi’s warnings that he starts to make some headway. Have him still lose but earn even the arrogant Donkey Kong’s respect as Mario doesn’t give up and when he does listen to Luigi he actually gets some shots and dodges in. Then when Mario gets the power up and wins the Kongs all have respect for the heroes and the alliance begins, seeing the connection between the family and Peach’s resolve to protect her “tribe”.

However, Luigi’s pretty much had it with Mario’s nonsense. He still doesn’t believe they can win and is tired of seeing Mario get hurt by his rash actions while Mario is tired of Luigi being a worrywart downer who isn’t a team player in his eyes. This puts a rift between the brothers and they storm off, the typical second act ending but there’s a reason it gets used. This would actually work, but don’t have it last long. Mario and Luigi are both attacked while separated and their weaknesses are getting them in trouble. They end up coming together again and put their fight aside to work together and actually chase the Troopas and other Bowser underlings off or knock them out. The brothers finally start see the logic in each other’s style and goals, that they both want to help but brains and brawn alone aren’t going to cut it. Luigi comes up with a plan, Mario follows it, and the villain attack fails. Too bad this was a distraction. If you want Peach still in the action then she doesn’t get kidnapped, the mushrooms and Kongs do because Bowser had a plan or a magic something that captures everyone, though it will prove useless or gets destroyed in the final battle. My guess is one of the magic wands from the various games. Oh, Bowser will let them go…if Peach finally agrees to marry him.

Yes, keep the song in. While I would also want the actual voice actors in I knew that wasn’t coming and resigned myself to it because Hollywood egos can’t handle actual voice actors getting credit for what they do for a living over them. So of course we have to have the Jack Black song if we have Jack Black. I think it’s in his contract…with the devil!

With only the Brothers, Donkey Kong, Toad, and Peach left, they’re feeling very dejected. This gives Mario and Luigi a chance to talk instead of yelling at each other and we learn why Mario is so gung ho and Luigi is so cautious. They finally understand each other, Mario gives a speech that rouses everyone with Luigi by his side for extra impact. This is the Mario Brothers time to shine, not just Mario alone and seeing Bowser in action directly has gotten Luigi into the game (so to speak) even if it means they can’t end up going home because Mario is right: they’re the only ones who CAN help so they have to try. Showing his own character growth, Mario actually comes up with the rescue plan and it’s a good one. This is what I really wanted to see in this movie, the brothers learning from each other because they love each other and both want to help these people…mushrooms…beings in need. It’s a good chance to explore these characters we’ve followed for years and the personalities the cartoons infused them with in Western media and to a lesser extent the Japanese-produced games as well. Done right it would be the best scene in the movie

With a plan in place they go to free the mushroomers, Mario and Luigi work together to free everyone and it’s both of them, rather than the usual just Mario, that confronts Bowser and wins, covering each other’s weaknesses with their strengths, using both of their talents, Luigi coming up with ideas and Mario implementing them, even have Luigi gets some shots in when Mario actually has an idea, thus sementing that while still themselves they are learning from each other. Each of our heroes get a moment to shine, but it’s Mario and Luigi who shine the brightest because it’s their movie, and the conclusion of their character arcs. Bowser and his forces are chased off when Princess, Kong, and Toad break their armies out and overwhelm the Koopa forces. Koopa escapes, vowing to return until Peach and the Mushroom Kingdom is theirs, and the Brothers agree to stay and help the Kingdom, with the Kongs as allies, and the sequel bait comes in probably before the final credits roll.

I didn’t expect all of this to happen but this is the basics of what I wanted to see in the movie, with a bit of presentation. This should be Mario AND Luigi’s movie, not just Mario’s. It’s not the game where you have Player 1 and Player 2. Seeing the bros interact was one of the things I liked about the shows and comics but it’s something we really don’t get to see a lot of in the games for various reasons. This could have taken the one thing the live-action movie got right besides Bob Hoskins (that’s not more shade against Leguizamo for his recent comments; I just never bought him as the actual Luigi–which fits with all the other cast members not Bob Hoskins’ Mario), put it in the proper setting, and given us a movie about the Brothers…plural…and their adventures and been more of what I wanted to see in the movie.

That doesn’t mean I don’t want to see this one. It’s just not something I’m rushing to add to the Finally Watched list when there are so many other productions I want to see more and hoping it’s what I’m looking for in those stories. There’s only so much time in the day, I have other things to do, including playing the games and maybe beating them someday, and this just isn’t the Super Mario Brothers movie I wanted to see no matter how good it actually is.