The Die Hard Debate (And Why I Don’t Care)

Yes, it’s that time of the year again. Pine trees are decorated with lights and little art pieces of Christmas symbols. Gingerbread Houses are built but never eaten because the only thing harder are fruit cakes, or so the lore goes. Children wait for Santa Claus with the hopes they were good enough to get presents. Christians honor the birth of their Savior, the reason we actually have a Christmas, which is why the Christmas haters hate Christmas. And moviephiles take to social media, podcast panels, and the occasional physical gathering to debate the big question: is Die Hard a Christmas movie?

Loosely based on the 1979 novel Nothing Lasts Forever, the sequel to Roderick Thorp’s The Detective, Die Hard follows NYPD police detective John McClane, in Los Angeles to spend Christmas with his estranged wife and hopefully see their young daughter. Meeting up with his wife at an office Christmas party, trouble arises when crooks posing as terrorists try to rob the building’s vaults. During a party. With a lot of people. This seems like a very dumb idea, but I’m not a psychotic crook posing as a terrorist. It’s up to John the police everyman to get past and take down the bad guys and rescue the hostages despite the police being of little help and having to gather his resources along the way, like weapons and combat skills. Originally panned by critics, today’s critics praise it for pretty much the same reason: the action and characters. While the novels and the story of Joe Leland end here, McClane would continue through a series of increasingly panned sequels.

It also the source of a huge debate as film geeks argue every December whether or not the July released movie (long before the whole “Christmas In July” sales campaign) qualifies as a Christmas movie. It’s a huge, fiercely argued debate. Well, here’s my opinion: I DON’T CARE ANYMORE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I don’t mean “I don’t care” in the same way I don’t care about the Superman Vs. Batman debate as to who would win (I want to see the heroes fight VILLAINS, not each other) or Unicron Vs The Death Star (Unicron at close range, Death Star at a distance, now shut up). I mean the level of rage and insistence of being right that I see has gotten me to the point that I don’t want to even hear the debate. I don’t even want to watch the movie when it isn’t Christmas, nevermind when it is, to protest both sides. Now for the record, I do have a definite opinion, and maybe it will leak out in this commentary to anyone not fixed on their view as “the absolute truth”. However, I’m not going to state it here officially because doing so will miss the point that I’m sick of both sides of this argument, both from the pro-“Die Hard is a Christmas movie” and the anti side. You’re both draining the fun out of it and now taking other movies with you, and I just don’t want to hear it anymore. I stopped listening to a livestream recently as the host argued with his audience, allegedly in good fun but at this point I’m not convinced anything about this debate is fun. Rather than discuss my reasoning for whether it is or isn’t a Christmas movie, let me instead go over why I want this debate to die…and I will be taking both sides on for this because you’re both the problem!

In the original novel, the hero visits his adult daughter…who dies at the end. Merry Christmas!

So why is it a Christmas movie? Because it’s set at Christmas. That’s the main drive. Despite its July release, the movie and the novel it’s based on take place at a skyrise Christmas party. There’s Christmas music, a tree, John makes a joke involving Santa’s catch phrase. Why isn’t it a Christmas movie according to others? The body count, the fact that Christmas itself plays no role in the story (like a lot of Hallmark “Christmas” romance movies that always seem to involve a woman “going home” and meeting the man of her dreams and the single child he’s raising who totally wants to bring them together to have a mom, and a fight between romance and their big city careers, or at least two of those things–sorry, bonus vent), and that’s it.

Both sides also have their weak arguments. On the pro side they discuss themes of family reconciliation, as if that’s exclusive to Christmas. The anti side just brings up other movies set at Christmas…and that’s where the trouble has really started. For example Gremlins has more Christmas visuals than even Die Hard while Batman Returns is also set at Christmas. Both movies were released in June of the years they came out and neither has Christmas as a factor beyond setting. Most of Batman Returns barely takes place at a Christmas event. While these used to be left alone as opposed to Home Alone, trying to cite them by the anti side backfired, leading the pro side to “officially” declare them as well. This in turn upsets the anti side, who doesn’t want to see movies with violence and a body count listed alongside definitive Christmas movies like Miracle On 34th Street (the only version worth watching released in May or June depending on the source thanks to a studio head more interested in large audiences than holiday accuracy, so that’s not helping despite being steeped in Christmas lore) or It’s A Wonderful Life (which actually was released in December but considering how the plot has been redone and parodied even in non-Christmas stories could make for a debate on its own).

Probably best not to tell them about A Cricket On The Hearth. Yes, the part of the special with the anthropomorphic animals being shot by a sea captain and the “sexy” cat singer at the sleazy dive of this kids Christmastime tale (not high enough on the anthro scale to turn even most perverted furries on, so don’t start) weren’t in the book, but neither was a lot of Die Hard. Also, why were most of the Christmas specials I did video reviews for featuring a blind character as either the main or subplot? Even The Life And Adventures Of Santa Claus, a movie that has a literal war over whether or not Santa can deliver toys to depressed kids, had a blind kid. In hindsight I should have considered either book for Chapter By Chapter but most of the book wouldn’t be read at Christmas. It isn’t as short as A Christmas Carol, a Christmas horror story with more ghosts than Ghostbusters. On the other hand, those last two are also heavily steeped in Christmas lore, as was Red One, a Christmas action comedy actually meant to be a Christmas action movie. I still haven’t seen it, but the only body count I’ve seen in trailers are living snowmen and the continued death of Dwayne Johnson’s career.

Still treats Christmas better than a Russell T. Davies Doctor Who story.

So now we have a situation where what qualifies as a Christmas movie has now become so convoluted that the genre title is almost meaningless, and I defended “science fiction” and “fantasy” as genre names. Both sides of the debate have now pretty much ruined what is a Christmas movie versus a movie set at Christmas. Again, I could tell you my opinion, but it would just get me attacked by the opposition as they fail to realize they’re part of the problem, and praised by the like minded making the same mistake. Instead, let me ask a question of both sides:

• Pro “Die Hard is a Christmas movie”: Why does it matter to you so much that it be labeled as one? “Because it IS a Christmas movie” isn’t the answer because it’s not the point of my question. If someone has a different and narrower view of what qualifies as a “Christmas movie” and refuses to accept Die Hard in their Christmas movie library, does it stop you from watching and enjoying it at Christmas? I’d watch a Godzilla movie at Christmas and nobody is…nope, not taking that risk. Let’s not make this worse than it is. If someone doesn’t list Die Hard with Santa Claus: The Movie, that’s their right and you’re not going to convince them otherwise. You’re just making people mad, which is the OPPOSITE of what you should be doing at Christmas. It’s bad enough the social discourse has gotten to that level. We have to ruin the Christmas movie debate like the film version of political extremists? Speaking of which…
• Anti “Die Hard is a Christmas movie”: Similar question: why does it matter to you that they want to watch it at Christmas? Again, “because it isn’t” misses my point. Yes, the insistence is annoying, but while you could (and both sides used to) make an interesting debate about “Christmas movie” versus “movie set at Christmas” or any other holiday, I’ve seen panelists get mad about it being declared a Christmas movie as if it somehow corrupts your list of Christmas movies. As noted, it’s also your fault that any movie with a pine tree air freshener is now being “taken” by the pro side just to piss you off. Had you kept it to Die Hard versus movies you list as actual Christmas movies we wouldn’t have this discussion. We can go through other movies and decide if it qualifies, or create some kind of Christmas scale. Like Home Alone ranks here, Gremlins ranks here, and so on. That could be interesting, but that’s not what happened. You tried to own the pro side and just played yourselves. You KNOW they’re being jerks about it and just gave them more BBs to shoot your eye out with. And I actually don’t like A Christmas Story. I don’t hate it but I disliked it before some TBS programmer abused their power to push their obsession. Still a Christmas movie.

Consider this an intervention for the whole internet, even though I know this blog doesn’t have enough regular readers for it to matter. I just needed to vent. Watch Die Hard at Christmas. Don’t watch Die Hard at Christmas. Watch the Halloween movies on St. Valentines Day. Watch How The Grinch Stole Christmas on Arbor Day and annoy the Lorax fans. I don’t care anymore! It’s no longer a fun discussion to have because both sides refuse to agree to disagree and risk giving ground on this debate. I just want to watch the movies I want to enjoy at Christmas and get me into the spirit of the season. Is that really too much to ask?