The last of the documentation (as of this writing) found and posted by The Sunbow Marvel Archive we’ll be looking at for this attempt to bring the Transformers cartoon to CBS Saturday morning is something I rarely get to do. It’s a full episode script. They also have the outline for the pilot episode, but I’m going to bypass that and jump right to the full script, to see the actual story. I also won’t be copy/pasting practically the whole script like I did with the pitches. If you want to see either document you can go to their G1 Transformers page and find it just after the documentation for “More Than Meets The Eye”, the three episode miniseries they started with. It just seems a bit much for me to post here.
Instead I’ll summarize what happens in the episode. Oddly they didn’t go with the first listed plot in the second draft, “Rotten To The Core.” Maybe it’s my limited understanding of what goes on behind the scenes, but I would think the first episode would be the pilot. This is the story where the Autobots get help from the legally-distinct Guardian Angels (even named in the summary so you know what they were referencing) to stop Negator from turning a bunch of trains into their Decepticon army. That sounds like a good pilot to me. Instead they went with “A Robot’s Best Friend Is His Dog”, the 11th episode in the list and one that sounds like it would require previous investment in the characters as this focuses on Matt’s Decepticon sniffing dog. Turns out Outback didn’t need a Decepticon Detector, he needed a dog. The episode is written by Jeffrey Scott, who also wrote the pitches, which makes sense because they’re already paying him, but it still seems an odd episode to start with.
I was hoping to get this done in one article, but about partway through summarizing the first act I saw my word count in the 1300s and knew I wasn’t going to get all three in without being a way too long article. So I’ll just make the first act it’s own article, since this includes the summaries and my comments, and see what happens with the other two. Sorry, readers. I tried.
The episode starts with a look around Wendy and Eddie’s neighborhood. For those of you just joining this series, Wendy and Eddie Fairchild are two of the replacements for the Witwickys and their later human allies, along with trucker Matt Conroy and his dog, Burt. The scene is ordinary but the music reflects a more sinister situation, and not that Eddie is stealing three eggs for some reason as he helps Wendy make sandwiches, one of which gets broken in his jacket. That’s when the “normal day” is broken by an unnamed Decepticon walking through the streets. Wendy tells Eddie to wake their parents because they can’t be late for work. If you’ve been following the second pitch, that work is for the Decepticons that have conquered the planet. I’m guessing this Con is here to collect the workers.
Cut to a porsche and 4X4 with stiff drivers. Scott notes “When looking from the Autobots’ or Decepticons’ POV, we will see through a strange looking hi-tech binocular matte, with Star Warsian grid lines and changing LED numbers)”. We didn’t get to see a view from their vision very often, and while this does sound like what the animes that continued the show after Hasbro stopped producing episodes did, it’s not quite what the rare US cartoon shots looked like. We got the vector graphic style grid but not the number thing. I’m thinking they were channeling the macrobinoculars from Star Wars. Clearly this is Jazz and Trailbreaker, since that was their alt modes. Sorry…”Jazzz”, because Scott still thinks he has three “z”s in his name. I’m going to use the correct spelling. At least it will make spellcheck happy. They leave and drive past a tractor trailer in a roadside diner parking lot. Yes, probably Optimus.
Cut to Matt Conroy in the diner while Burt sits outside waiting, drooling at the food. A fake news report comes from the Decepticons about how much every government is just so very happy to be helping the Decepticons achieve their goal. Matt goes to turn the TV off, sick of the spin doctoring, but the waitress reminds him they’re not allowed to turn off the Decepticon News Network, so he smashes a pie into it and leaves. Hope you at least got a doggie bag for poor Burt.
From there we see what kind of world the Decepticons are running, from the looks of scared pedestrians and drivers in a city, before moving to a steel mill where a human accidentally drops a giant hand, with another unnamed Decepticon shooting at him to remind him who’s in charge. This at least is something you should have in a pilot as it shows what the Autobots are fighting again. They’re still on the “build an army” kick instead of the “get energy resources to continue the war” of the miniseries and main series. Jazz and Trailbreaker roll up outside the mill, the camera showing us Jazz’s inflatable driver (less the “facsimile circuit” from the comics or the more recent holograms and simulacrum from early IDW and Bay films and more the auto pilot from Airplane) bouncing around as the two banter over who’s about to take a Decepticon out first. We also see headlights that move like eyes, which is odd for Transformers.
Jazz wins when he tricks a Decepticon with his inflatable driver and catches the con’s hand in the window before transforming and destroying him. Somehow the Saturday Morning cartoon was about to have more dead Transformers than the pre-movie syndicated series. Amazing what you can do to robots in fiction, even after establishing they’re supposed to be alive. Jazz and Trailbreaker then proceed to wipe out the Decepticons at the plant, freeing the workers. It does look like it would have been a really cool fight scene, though Buzzsaw is shown hiding in cassette mode and transforms to fly off.
Muffler’s looking a little less pink today. Sadly he also isn’t looking like Bumblebee, but thankfully this isn’t what they’re doing to Bumblebee. Replacement might have been better for Da Bee.
When then see his arrival at Decepticon headquarters, with shots of Decepticons doing their duties before moving to Soundwave, and this also comes off as a good scene for a pilot. So why wasn’t this episode one on the list? Soundwave (who may have had the same voice we know given the stage directions) shows off all the productive areas of their empire before Starscream notes all the places the Autobots have liberated and turned into defensive positions. So did they call in backup from Cybertron or are Jazz and Trailbreaker staying where they are and leaving the story. This isn’t a game of Risk and even then you leave pieces to guard the spots on the gameboard that you won.
Buzzsaw arrives and does something we never see him do outside of early pre-show material: he talks. None of the animal cassettes are shown talking in the show, so this is new. He shows them footage of the Autobots takeover and Starscream, still being Starscream, mocks Negator. Unlike Megatron, while Negator still needs Starscream he’s not unwilling to damage him. Cartoon Megatron only did that when Starscream tried to scrap him. Negator actually planned for their victory because it’s a trap for the Earth Autobots. So I guess nobody is actually at the other won territories to chase off the Decepticons?
Back to the Fairchilds, the parents are leaving for a week to work in the Decepticon optic plant. In a different episode, earlier on the list, there’s a story where the Autobots plan to destroy a shipment of Decepticon “eyes” and in another the Decepticon police take the parents away to work at a distant factory. Are we sure those summaries are in proper order? We also get a glimpse of what Eddie is going to do with those eggs…and how stupid he really is…when he starts taunting one of the guards while Wendy drives him to school. Muffler, the pink not-Bumblebee, even tells him to keep his voice down but the kid is determined to get killed. See, this is how we do the kid character wrong, Jeffrey. We’re not suppose to root for the Decepticons. As for the parents, Jeffrey Scott actually adds this at the end of the script:
Suggestion: Perhaps we should not see Wendy and Eddie’s parents, and have the two of them on a quest to find their parents, thus they are always insisting on going on missions with the Autobots in hopes of finding the factory where their parents are working.
If that was what they were going to go with, then this is the wrong episode for the pilot. That would mean episode 7, “Nobody Home”, should be the pilot to explain what happened to the parents, ending with them unable to find their parents. It’s not even a bad idea. It would explain why the Fairchild kids are here…but we have an episode about Wendy’s date with her crush getting ruined, which seems a really odd subplot when she should be too worried about her parents. I’m still questioning decisions and we’re not even done with the first act. It seems there are positives and negatives to this episode. And we’re about to his another negative: Eddie and Muffler, who he keeps calling “Muffy” even when Wendy points out he doesn’t like it. I think I hate this kid.
They’re stopped by a roadblock. Eddie wants to tell them off, but Muffler stops him with the seatbelt, even wrapping it around his mouth, which Wendy explains to the Decepticon officer that it’s because he’s embarrassed by his braces. There’s been an Autobot spotted in the area, but Muffler would have been fine if not for the other annoying part of this version, Muffler’s mechanical issues. Wendy shifts gears, which makes Muffler cry out in pain because I guess she shifted too hard or something, and his cover’s blown. Eddie wants to fight them and Muffler wants to not die. So this scene is already showcasing two of my biggest complaints with this take: Muffler’s comic relief malfunctions like he’s Dynomutt or Inspector Gadget and Eddie being the worst example of a kid character. Look, I like the kid/mascot characters over all when done right, but Eddie would not be on that list. This is the kind of character that gives them a bad reputation.
At the diner, Optimus decides to rev up and roll out (wait, wrong Transformers cartoon), with Burt forced to go after him and Burt bursting into the diner to steal a steak he’s been eyeing. This is supposed to be dramatic and comedic at the same time and somehow it’s still better than the current Marvel attempts at re-creating Joss Whedon’s humor style without (and before) Joss and maybe it could have worked. Maybe. Optimus ends up saving Muffler and the kids, with Eddie cheering him on. Optimus…smiles?
And now Muffler is green. Bumblebee wouldn’t have stood for this indignity.
How? He still have the mouthplate he’s known for. None of the birds are in this scene. It’s just cannon fodder motorcycles and military vehicles, and Burt is with Matt inside Optimus’ cab even in robot mode, something we never see happen with Transformers but happened with GoBots all the time. You know, the ones with organic components along with the mechanical parts. Firecycle, the show original female medic replacing Ratchet because CBS wanted a girl character, and Mirage shows up. Mirage berates him and Firecycle stands up for him. The session is interrupted by Jazz reporting that the mill is secure.
Outside the mill as the other Autobots arrive we pan a bunch of vehicle, but Whirlpool (the female Decepticon who turns into an amphibious vehicle) and Starscream’s fellow jets are waiting in disguise. As noted in previous installments, this version was really going to use the “robots in disguise” angle better than the G1 show did, which later series would also break out. Jazz cracks a joke and Optimus is not in the mood for it, sharply cutting him off. That’s not the same Optimus or Jazz we know. Take a “listen”.
JAZZZ
Greetings, oh great leader.
We have freed another earth factory in your honor.PRIME
Cut the clowning, Jazzz. I’m not in the mood.JAZZZ
Whatever you say, boss!
Maybe it’s Jazzz, but it’s not Jazz. Suddenly, Burt bursts out of Optimus’ cab and starts barking at a forklift. Either he’s seen that Mystery Science Theater 3000 meme too many times or he knows something, as the first act ends with slits appearing in its headlights as we fade to commercial. I think we know how the trap’s going to work.
Well, we’ve hit the 2000+ threshold so it’s time to stop. So far I’m back and forth on this story. There are good parts and there’s everything with Eddie and Muffler. This is a good set-up to the world but it could also just be explaining stuff for the animation team and audio editors. We have two more acts to go, so we’ll see if one of them can tip the balance in our next installment, or installments. I’m not trying to pad this out, folks. This is how long it’s taking, and it seems more appropriate to review the script than the outline.
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