CBS Transformers> The First Draft part 4: Those Wacky Humans

Previously in the first attempt to bring Transformers to CBS Saturday mornings:

Tens of years ago on a planet not called Cybertron, mechanical lifeforms formed because the gravity was too high for biology or something. On this unnamed world, the heroic Autobots managed to completely wipe out their ancient enemies, the Decepticons. However, Megatron and a group of his minions–the treacherous Soundwave and his loyal avian companion Buzzsaw, the bitter fembot Starscream, the silent red warrior Thundercracker, and the hate-filled Skywarp–came to Earth as glowing energy orbs, taking over Earth machine to transform into their new bodies. Their mission: give a new robot a body each week for their old enemies to blow up again.

The Autobots follow the Decepticons to Earth in their own glowy orb forms, with no telling if they died in the war, committed robo-suicide to follow them, or just ascended somehow. They, too have taken on vehicular forms for their mission: The leader Optimus Prime, second-in-command Jazz, the scout Trailbreaker, the info-gathering fembot Sideswipe (with a not so secret crush on Prime), the flashy Mirage, and the not-Bumblebee Toad. Also Ironhide, Prowl, Ratchet, and Hound who are…also here. As we begin the next exciting installment of CBS Transformers.

Humans. You know them. You love them…most of the time. Many of you probably are one yourself. And yet their appearance in Transformers fiction is strangely debated in the fandom. There is a side of the fandom that would rather humans not be there at all. While the live-action movies overuse them for budgetary reasons (the robots are technically still animated but have to look like they exist in the real world), if you’re setting your story on Earth you absolutely need them for narrative and strategic reasons. Cyberverse bypassed them for their own budgetary reasons, but they were also shorter stories when they were still on Earth and Cyberverse also might have been been on Cybertron for everything that happened after Bumblebee got his memory back, which they did. It’s also the only time I’ve actually enjoyed post-war Cybertron, but that’s another conversation.

On the narrative front, humans can ask the questions the audience would since they would be as unaware of Cybertronian life and culture as the audience. Strategically, as Sparkplug pointed out in “More Than Meets The Eye”, humans know more about Earth than the Autobots, giving them an advantage over the Decepticons. Comic Prime not using them, and the rest of the Autobots even after the G.I. Joe team-up, was always a mistake to me.

It’s not surprising, therefore, that Marvel Productions and Sunbow would have added humans to the CBS cast. However, by ignoring the miniseries they opted not to use the Witwicky’s. I can go more into that in the wrap-up and transition to the second attempt, though I will be doing comparisons between casts here at least in passing. For this installment I want to focus on the three humans created for this incarnation. The Autobots would again have two human allies, though this time even the Decepticons would have a human buddy that lasted more than four episodes. Let’s meet them today.

HUMAN CHARACTERS
When the glowing energy entity first approached WILLIAM CONROY, “Duke” (as he’s known to his trucking buddies) thought he’d better cut out those long hauls for a little while. That was Duke’s first contact with Optimus Prime. And he’s been bitching and moaning ever since.

Already he sounds annoying. Joy. Of course, “Duke” would be an issue given Hasbro already had a Duke in G.I. Joe, which Marvel Productions also worked on and should have known, but they may not have considered them in the same continuity. Outside of a few nods and Geraldo Rivera parody Hector Montoya (who worked his way into most of the Hasbro shows, including a regular appearance on Inhumanoids and guest appearances in G.I. Joe: A Real American Hero and Jem as well as The Transformers…probably would have worked him into Glo Friends if they could) they were usually treated that way anyhow.

It was Duke’s truck that Optimus Prime took over as his new robot body. It was Duke’s truck that had been commandeered by the  mechanical men from Mars” as he called them. It was the very same truck on which Duke still had three years of payments to make. “Damn,” said Duke to Optimus Prime when he first saw his truck turn into a thirty foot flying robot, “there goes my warranty!”

In a way, Japan would have a similar human character, Ginrai. He was also a trucker who didn’t want to get involved in the Autobot/Decepticon conflict in Masterforce, and his truck, which he would actually combine with in the Japanese version of the Powermasters dubbed “Godmasters”, was based on Powermaster Optimus Prime. It’s probably a coincidence since I doubt Takara or Toei were aware of these two failed pitches. Plus Ginrai was a different character from William here.

Duke is the Han Solo variety of human being. The kind of guy whose got more important things to do than save the universe … like making a living. He never stops letting Prime know he resents losing control of his truck in the middle of a run. But, like Han Solo, Duke is the kind of guy who comes through in the end. He’s tough, and honest and has a heart of gold.

Sounds more like Jack Burton from Big Trouble In Little China than Han Solo, but Han was a smuggler paid to smuggle a Jedi to Alderaan, and old Jack was a trucker. Either way he sounds like an okay and fun character, but he doesn’t have the same vibe as Sparkplug, who was willing to work with the Autobots from the start. Oddly, I’m surprised a complaining character like this would be used. Mark Evanier has told the story about how the character Eric in Dungeons & Dragons had to be made the annoying kid despite being the only one who actually wanted to go home. CBS’s “standards and practices” people didn’t like that he wasn’t going along with the group, a message they wanted to push, and so Eric was often the butt of the joke and made to look like a cowardly chump compared to the other kids. Evanier would get revenge on Garfield & Friends with the Buddy Bears.

Usually they bothered Garfield, but this is the best demonstration of Evanier getting payback for Eric. Moving on.

Duke’s truck is now the headquarters for the Autobots. When they’re not directly on the trai I of some evi I Decepticon campaign, all of the Autobot cars are stored in Duke’s trailer. And Duke isn’t happy about that at all, because there isn’t much room left for his  shipments, and you can’t make much money hauling short-loads all the time.

Odd typo left in. How do you mess up the “l” twice with ” I “? Even the spaces are repeated. Again, I like that they tried to incorporate the trailer’s base mode by treating it as a playset…but for who? The original Diaclone “Convoy” came with little figures that could sit at the computers, operate the gun emplacement, and ride in the little vehicle, plus sit in those seats in Optimus we always put the fists in vehicle mode, but Hasbro was never going to release those. I got a knockoff “Diakron” (think Voltron Vehicle Team but not a Dairugger knockoff–though I have a Dairugger knockoff) that came with a few, which is how I started using them as a kid before I ever heard of Diaclone, so funky coincidence there. The robots could never use it as a base…though given that the minicars were the only ones small enough besides Combiner limbs and Micromasters to treat Metroplex and Fortress Maximus as a place to go, nevermind a “city”, that’s nothing new for this toyline.

Optimus Prime quietly tolerates Duke’s raucous outbursts. He knows that Duke is a valuable asset. Duke knows the roads, knows good places to hide, knows the type of places the Decepticons might find lots of new mechanical bodies, and he has one thing the Autobots are severely lacking: a common sense understanding about how people and things work on earth. Even with their computer circuit minds, the Autobots are still on an alien planet, and do not fully understand much of the strange things that go on around them. Duke is also a great mechanic and sometimes might even wind up fixing the Autobots. He doesn’t fully understand their sophisticated electronic “guts”
but can usually rig something up to get them moving again.

At least he brought that aspect of Sparkplug with him. Having someone who can help Ratchet and later Hoist and First Aid fix the Autobots is a good thing. Sparkplug is more of a mechanic, especially in the comics where he’s an actual auto mechanic instead of a former oil rig worker, but being able to fix your own rig is certainly a benefit on the road. This also points out what I was saying earlier about the strategy of working with humans. They know the alien world you’re trying to defend better than you do, so why not team up with them? I’m betting they would have played up the “robots in disguise” angle since William and the other character are the only humans who seem to matter. That makes sense and the cartoon we got rarely made use of the disguises like later shows and the comics did.

Duke is constantly bantering with Optimus, whose voice comes over his CB radio. But what really burns him up is when Optimus Prime takes over the trucks controls and transforms into his robot form. He bitches like a backseat driver, seated in the cab, which has now become part of Prime’s giant, robot chest. “I’ll cream ya if ya dent my truck, you tin pirate,” is all that Duke can think to say when the Autobots are battling the Decepticons for supremacy of the universe.

Now that sounds like Jack Burton. I did not plan this when I selected it for last weekend’s Saturday Night Showcase. For one thing I wanted to use that a couple of weeks ago and this is my first real reading of these pitches. Watching your livelihood stand up and get shot at can’t be easy. Jack was willing to let insurance handle it, but William is not Jack. He reminds me more of Bomber Bill, the human Huffer befriended in the comics. Except Bill wanted to get back to his family and Jack just wants to earn a living, like Ginrai. It’s interesting to see how much of this character showed up in the franchise anyway.

Wendy, William, and some other characters that would show up in the second draft. At least their not-Bumblebee is yellow instead of green. We’ll meet the rest in later installments.

Our next human is a teenage girl. Totally the type of character eight year old boys who at best stopped thinking girls have cooties would want to see…wait, no it isn’t. We got Carly and some one-shot girls, but Carly was smart and later became Spike’s girlfriend. Both Spike and Carly served a purpose on the team along with Sparkplug and Chip Chase. Will this human work out as well?

WENDY FAIRCHILD was just an ordinary teenage girl from a midwestern town. The kind of girl whose greatest concern was not who’d wind up asking her to the high school dance, but would anyone ask her at all. But now Wendy’s got other things to think about. Ever since Toad mistakenly took her VW as his new robot body she became the only other human in the world to know the inner workings of the Autobot/Decepticon confrontation.

So they paired her with Bumblebee’s replacement, and I don’t know what they had against Da Bee when making these pitches. Bumblebee would end up being the one who hung out with the humans, a role originally planned for Hound under the belief he would be the breakout character for the kids. Once again, you can never predict who the breakout character is going to be. Fans have their own ideas, especially kids.

Wendy is torn between helping the Autobots defeat the Decepticons and growing up like a normal teen. She’s smart as a whip and has a wealth of information to give the Autobots about the people, places and things of Earth. She also brings a warm, emotional side of life to the Autobots, helping them to understand more about humans … and themselves.

Okay, maybe she does serve a purpose. Cool. It still feels like an odd choice for the boys show to give us a male adult and a teenage girl. How much do her parents know…and are they asking questions? Things usually never thought about in 1980s Saturday morning shows, though it does get brought up in the next two paragraphs.

Having an Autobot for a car makes life very tough for Wendy. She might be on a date with a guy she’s been trying to take out for a month. Just when the drive-in movie they’re watching starts to get boring she gets a signal from Toad and has to kick the guy out and speed away before he learns too her secret. So much for her social life.

Wendy will not be involved in all of the Autobot/Decepticon story plots. She might be involved in some jeopardy, or in some comedic action as Toad splits with her car, leaving her to explain to her curious Dad how she “uh, loaned the car to a girlfriend.” We might see her again, at the end of the same story, trying to explain how her girlfriend managed to get a half-dozen “laser holes” in the front windshield.

That’s not just an example. We’ll see later an actual episode has this as a b-plot. It’s more proof that Toad will exist for comic relief, which is rather disappointing. I defend comic relief characters but as I’m expecting this would have had a lighter tone than the syndicated show it’s a question of whether it needed one. I do like the gags in the comic that centered around the differences between humans and Transformers, as well as their respective cultures, so maybe she’d be good for that. She wouldn’t be the worst human in this franchise. (Looks at Kicker.) This also confirms the “robots in disguise” angle. Wendy sounds more like Sam from the live-action movies, who is best described as “at least he isn’t Kicker”. Even Miko got better as her show went along.

Meanwhile, Megatron would actually realize there was a benefit to having local help. In the show we got we had a temporary alliance with mad scientist Doctor Arkeville and gullible political hopeful Sean Berger but usually the Decepticons only had humans they could mind control or trick. Cy-Kill over at Challenge Of The GoBots would have Dr. Braxis…though that didn’t go well for either of them as the show went on. What did Megatron lose in the series?

Unfortunately, the Decepticons realize that certain humans can be helpful to their cause as well. One of these is ARTHUR KROLL, a weak, greedy, selfish, criminal type who sees the Decepticon takeover of earth as his once in a lifetime opportunity to gain power and wealth. He made a Faustian deal with Megatron: He’ll help them achieve their goal in every way he knows how (spying, intelligence data, treachery) and al I [they did it again–SWT] he asks in return is that he be able to rule over the humans once the Decepticons have enslaved them. Though a bargain was reached, there is very little inward trust between Megatron and Arthur Kroll. Like the evil Lex Luther, Kroll is out for himself. One of his special duties is to carry Megatron when he is in his small, laser pistol mode. In this manner, Megatron can get into places that would otherwise be impossible: army bases, weapons arsenals, train stations.

All places that even back then checked for firearms, especially the military and weapons places. Knoll sounds a lot like Braxis. Makes you wonder if Hanna-Barbera got more than voice actors from the show.

Duke Conroy has a special distaste for “traitors” the likes of Arthur Kroll. He’d just love to get the opportunity to “grind Kroll’s gears” and put him out of commission.

Ah, another rivalry. Conroy wouldn’t have been able to do much to him on Saturday mornings, but imagine what he could do to him in syndication. The other Duke got to punch Cobra troops quite often.

We have two more sections left to go. Next time we’ll learn more about the format of the show and how these characters would all work within it, all in the next installment of CBS Transformers.