CBS Transformers> The Second Draft part 2: The New Old Autobots part 1

In part one we took a look at the new scenario. Instead of the glowy orbs possessing vehicles (an idea that somehow popped up in some mediocre works like Vanpires and Robo Wheels) we finally connected to the original miniseries. Set five years later, somehow the Decepticons won, because Saturday morning needed a new in medias res to drop the audience into. It’s a strange obsession. Now the Autobots are rebels, with the Decepticons allowing for wacky real world hijinks so long as they get their slave workers working on being slaves. They really didn’t want to give up on the original idea. Did they really hate “More Than Meets The Eye”?

In this section of the draft we’ll be looking at the Autobot files. Like in the first section, the Autobot character bios are done in the style of a computer report printout from the 1980s. Whoever our researcher is has asked for Autobot details and the computer that the Autobots don’t need according to CBS delivers. In the original draft only Optimus was close to his traditional depiction. Sideswipe was the furthest since they made him a girl, part of CBS’s quota of female characters even in a show targeting boys despite the belief that kids don’t like girl characters and therefore don’t buy the toys of girl characters. I just don’t know why it had to be the Autobots. The show we got just gave us human girls until season three. I’m not against the idea of female Autobots (just keep Simon Furman away from them). It’s a question of how important it was to have the Transformers have girl characters. Anyway, the solution of original characters was a much better one than turning Sideswipe into a girl. Now he’s a boy again…and nowhere in the show.

Look on the bright side, Sideswipe. At least you aren’t getting the treatment Bumblebee is. They’re still doing my bot dirty, but I don’t have to cover that until next week. The profiles are kind of long in this format so I have to split them up. This installment we’ll see Optimus, Jazz, and a new character. Except one has the wrong name and I swear somebody ripped somebody off when making these. You’ll see what I mean.

AUTOBOT PERSONNEL ARCHIVES
SUBJECT: CURRENT AUTOBOT OPERATIONS AND PERSONNEL
TIME FRAME: APROX- 1988

THE AUTOBOTS ARE LIVING PROOF THAT HUMANITY’S FEAR OF THE “COMPUTER-TURNED MONSTER” IS NOT NECESSARILY THE INEVITABLE END OF ELECTRONIC EVOLUTION. THOUGH THE DECEPTICONS DEFINITELY FILL THAT BILL, THE AUTOBOTS, ON THE OTHER HAND, ARE A BENEVOLENT RACE OF SUPER-ROBOTS WHOSE “HUMMING” HEARTS ARE AS WARM AS ANY BEING WHO HAS FOUGHT TO KEEP THE DREAM OF FREEDOM ALIVE.

So they aren’t the Terminators? Yes, around this time there were a lot of stories about robots and computers going bad, but there were also plenty of good robots, comic relief robots, and the like. Back then the only real worry was robots “taking our jobs”. We kind of have that worry again these days with AI. Some things never change.

UNLIKE THE POLISHED, SS-LIKE ROBOT BODIES OF THE DECEPTICONS, THE AUTOBOTS HAVE A MORE STAR-WARSIAN APPEARANCE: SOMEWHAT BATTERED AND BRUISED, WITH CHIPPED PAINT HERE AND A SPARKING JOINT THERE. THAT’S NOT TO SAY THEY’RE FALLING APART, FOR THEY ARE MOST CERTAINLY A WELL-HONED FIGHTING TEAM. BUT THE AUTOBOTS ARE NOT THE TYPE TO “POLISH THEIR BOOTS,” WHEN PEOPLE’S LIVES ARE AT STAKE- THE AUTOBOTS SEEK ONLY TO STOP THE CANCEROUS GROWTH OF DECEPTICON TYRANNY. THEY ARE GALACTIC GOOD GUYS OF SORTS, DETERMINED TO SAVE THE PEOPLE OF EARTH, THEMSELVES, AND THE UNIVERSE FROM DECEPTICON DOMINATION.

It does make sense given the Autobots had their base taken away and Ratchet isn’t prominent if he’s around at all. I’m not sure Saturday morning budgets would have made them look that banged up. On the next “screen” we begin the actual character profiles. How have the Autobots changed in this new take, where the syndicated miniseries is now canon?

I bet Cobra Commander wishes they were in alternate continuities about now.

CODE NAME: OPTIMUS PRIME
FUNCTION! AUTOBOT LEADER
TRANS-FORM: SEMI-TRACTOR TRAILER
SIZE: {ROBOT} 32′ – {TRACTOR-TRAILER RIG} 40′

PROFILE:  IF OPTIMUS PRIME HAD BEEN ON EARTH HE WOULD HAVE BEEN A DOCTOR, A MECHANIC, A SCIENTIST AND A WARRIOR. BUT ON CYBERTRON THERE IS NO DIFFERENCE BETWEEN THESE PROFESSIONS. OPTIMUS USES HIS SKILLS TO HEAL AND REPAIR — WHICH ARE THE SAME THING TO AN AUTOBOT — TO IMPROVE THE WORLD AROUND HIM, BUT ALSO TO MAINTAIN THE AUTOBOTS’ FIGHTING FORMS. OPTIMUS PRIME IS THE LEADER OF THE AUTOBOTS; HE IS ALSO THE LARGEST, STRONGEST AND WISEST. HE MIGHT BE LIKENED TO ABRAHAM LINCOLN IN PERSONALITY. HE IS IMENSELY KIND, AND HIS COMPASSION EXTENDS TO ALL LIVING THINGS, INCLUDING THE “TWO-LEGGED FLESH FORMS” OF EARTH. HE THINKS OF HUMANS AS NO DIFFERENT THAN AUTOBOTS, EXCEPT THAT THEIR PERSONALITIES ARE CLOTHED IN FLESH INSTEAD OF METAL. THE DECEPTICONS, ON THE OTHER HAND, THINK OF HUMANS AS SOFT, INFERIOR BEINGS, GOOD ONLY FOR MAKING INTO SLAVES, AND NOT VERY GOOD SLAVES AT THAT- LIKE A ROBOT SPACE MARSHALL WITH A TROOP OF LOYAL DEPUTIES, OPTIMUS KNOWS THAT TO ASSURE FREEDOM IN THIS UNIVERSE~ THE DECEPTICONS MUST BE DEFEATED, TOTALLY.

A lot of this seems to have been reused for his Transformers Universe profile. It’s certainly an extension of his tech spec profile. I’d have to dig my copy out to check, but I’m pretty sure this would have come first. So Jeffery Scott in that case couldn’t be accused of ripping off Bob Budiansky, unless they did take this from Budiansky’s guide to the character bios and his own comic run.

ABILITIES: OPTIMUS PRIME’S VEHICULAR FORM IS THAT OF A LARGE TRACTOR TRAILER TRUCK. IT IS THE MOST COMPLEX OF ALL AUTOBOTS, SPLITTING INTO THREE, SEPARATE COMPONENTS: FIRST IS THE “OPTIMUS” MODULE,
HIS ROBOT FORM WHICH STANDS A STAGGERING THIRTY-TWO FEET- THIS IS OPTIMUS AS WE WILL COME TO THINK OF HIM, A SENTIENT BEING THAT IS THE STOREHOUSE OF HIS VAST KNOWLEDGE AND STRENGTH. OPTIMUS’ ROBOT BODY CAN LIFT INCREDIBLE MASSES AND A BLOW FROM HIS FIST EXERTS A CRUSHING FORCE- IT IS THIS ROBOT BODY THAT TRANSFORMS INTO THE TRACTOR-CAB PORTION OF THE TRUCK. HIS “PRIME” MODULE {ALSO KNOWN AS “ROLLER”} IS A SMALL ATV {ALL TERRAIN VEHICLE} WHICH IS STORED IN HIS TRAILER. RADIO CONTROLLED BY MERE INTENTION,
OPTIMUS USES THIS ATV TO SLIP BEHIND ENEMY LINES OR CARRY OUT SIMILAR COVERT FUNCTIONS.

HAVING “ROLLER” PRESENT IS LIKE OPTIMUS BEING THERE HIMSELF. OPTIMUS’ THIRD COMPONENT IS HIS TRAILER, ALSO KNOWN AS “AUTOBOT HQ.” THIS REMOTE-CONTROLLED TRAILER ACTS AS A REPAIR CENTER FOR DAMAGED AUTOBOTS. IT HAS A HIGHLY DEXTEROUS ROBOT GRAPPLE-ARM WHICH IS USED TO LIFT AUTOBOTS DURING “ELECTRO-SURGERY-” IF NECESSARY, THE TRAILER CAN BE USED TO TRANSPORT ALL OF THE AUTOBOTS {IN THEIR VEHICLE FORMS}. A TRAILER-MOUNTED DISH ANTENNA ALLOWS FOR CONSTANT COMMUNICATION BETWEEN ALL AUTOBOTS, NO MATTER WHAT THEIR LOCATION.

Again we see that the CBS guides seem to remember Optimus’s trailer section and Roller more than the show we got did. I wish they had remembered it more often. The comics didn’t use them at all. And being a repair center I think was the original function of the trailer in the Japanese Diaclone line. I think we kids just used it as a weapons platform and to cart Roller around.

WEAPONRY: IN HIS ROBOT FORM, OPTIMUS CARRIES A LASER RIFLE THAT CAN BURN A HOLE THROUGH THE NOSECONE OF A DECEPTICON JET FIGHTER, OR PIERCE THE ARMOR OF A DECEPTICON WARRIOR-ROBOT. AIDED BY OPTIMUS’ MULTI-WAVELENGTH VISION, HIS LASER IS AN ACCURATE AND DEADLY WEAPON. OPTIMUS’ TRAILER HQ HAS A VARIETY OF RADIATION BEAM WEAPONS.

WEAKNESSES: ALTHOUGH OPTIMUS PRIME CAN FUNCTION AS THREE INDEPENDENT MODULES, INJURY TO ANY ONE OF THE MODULES IS FELT BY THE OTHER TWO. ROLLER IS PARTICULARLY VULNERABLE AS HE IS THE ONLY MODULE SANS
DEFENSIVE WEAPONRY. HOWEVER, THE OPTIMUS MODULE IS BY FAR THE MOST IMPORTANT COMPONENT OF THE TRIO, AND ALTHOUGH HE COULD SURVIVE WITHOUT THE OTHER TWO, THEY COULD NOT SURVIVE WITHOUT HIM.  OTHERWISE, THE ONLY WEAKNESS OPTIMUS COULD BE ACCUSED OF IS BEING TOO COMPASSIONATE AND CONCERNED ABOUT THE SAFETY OF OTHERS. HE WOULD BE A MORE EFFECTIVE MILITARY COMMANDER IF HE WERE MORE RUTHLESS, BUT THEN HE WOULD NOT BE OPTIMUS PRIME.

Okay, who ripped off who? While Transformers Universe profiles didn’t have a “weapons” section, the “weakness” section is almost dead-on to what I remember of the entry, especially the last sentence.

“Hey, man, I don’t need the extra ‘Z’!”

CODE NAME: JAZZZ
FUNCTION: SPECIAL OPERATIONS – SABOTEUR
TRANS-FORM: PORSCHE {WHITE}
SIZE: {ROBOT} 27′ – {CAR} 13′

Why the extra Z? It’s Jazz, not Jazzz. Was that a typo? No, because it’s all in his profile, too.

PROFILE: JAZZZ WOULD BE CRUISING DOWN BOURBON STREET IN NEW ORLEANS OR BE DOUBLE-PARKED OUTSIDE A CELLAR CLUB IN GREENWICH VILLAGE SOAKING UP THE LOCAL SOUNDS IF HE WEREN’T IN THE MIDDLE OF A WAR WITH THE DECEPTICONS. HE’S A CONFIRMED EARTH CULTURE JUNKIE — HE CAN TALK FLUENTLY ABOUT BALLET OR BREAK DANCING {ALTHOUGH HE PREFERS
THE LATTER}, AND HE IS ALWAYS ON THE LOOKOUT FOR MORE STUFF TO TURN ON TO. MUSIC IS HIS PASSION, AND HIS HI-TECH CAR STEREO IS ALMOST ALWAYS BLASTING EARTH MELODIES. HIS KNOWLEDGE OF EARTH WAYS AND HIS ADAPT ABILITY TO EARTH ENVIRONMENTS MAKE HIM THE
INDISPENSIBLE RIGHT-HAND MAN OF HIS COMMANDER, OPTIMUS PRIME. HE’S OFTEN GIVEN THE MOST DANGEROUS ASSIGNMENTS, AND, WITH CHARACTERISTIC COOLNESS, USUALLY PULLS THEM OFF USING SOMETHING OUT OF HIS SEEMINGLY BOTTOMLESS BAG OF TRICKS. HE’D RATHER DAZZLE YOU WITH STYLE THAN ACCOMPLISH A MISSION THE EASY WAY.

Again, this comes off so close to the Transformers Universe profile I have to wonder who ripped who off. And yet we still have the extra Z. Considering the profile book took its layout from Marvel’s usual The Official Handbook Of The Marvel Universe, at least as best I know since I collected the 90s “put it in a binder” version (still missing a few “issues” to put in said binders), I want to blame Scott. The profile book would also have entries of Transformers not planned to be used in this version of the cartoon. I have a writer’s guide for Captain Yuletide with character profiles so I know these things exist behind the scenes…which makes me question who kept those things up to date for later writers.

ABILITIES: JAZZZ HAS BEEN KNOWN TO GLIDE FOR MORE THAN 3000 FEET USING HIS REAR-MOUNTED AILERONS. HIS BIGGEST ASSET IS THE VERSATILITY AND CLEVERNESS HE POSSESSES IN USING THE RESOURCES AT HIS DISPOSAL.

I have never seen Jazz glide anywhere.

WEAPONRY: IN ROBOT MODE, JAZZZ CAN USE HIS SOLAR-POWERED PHOTON RIFLE WITH DEADLY ACCURACY, AND CAN SHOOT IF FROM VIRTUALLY ANY PHYSICAL POSITION. HE CAN ALSO USE A COMBINATION OF HIS OVERHEAD  FLAMETHROWER, FULL-SPECTRUM FRONT GRILLE LIGHT BEACON, AND 180 DB STEREO SPEAKERS TO CREATE A SPECTACULAR AND DISORIENTING LIGHT AND SOUND SHOW.

Never saw the flamethrower in action, or any indication that his weapon is solar powered (and anybody who had a solar powered calculator in the 1980s can attest to how near useless those were), but the rest of it we do see in the show we got. Shame the toy back then didn’t have speaker attachments, but that wasn’t part of his Diaclone ancestry. Some later toys came with them but most still don’t, even from fan projects.

WEAKNESSES: ALTHOUGH JAZZZ’S FIREPOWER AND STRENGTH ARE WEAK RELATIVE TO THAT OF SOME OF THE OTHER AUTOBOTS, HE MORE THAN COMPENSATES WITH HIS DARING AND SKILL. HE’S PRONE TO BE DISTRACTED FROM HIS
PRIMARY ASSIGNMENT BY EARTHLY BEHAVIOR PATTERNS THAT HE FINDS INTERESTING. THIS SOMETIMES LEADS TO DISASTEROUS CONSEQUENCES.

I don’t know if it’s just how Acrobat is interpreting these but “although” keeps coming up as “al though” when I copy/paste it. Otherwise, this all seems to match Jazz’s character, though not how he spells his name, elsewhere.

No official art of this character. Chris McFeely did get an artist to make a rendition for his video on these drafts.

CODE NAME: FIRECYCLE
FUNCTION: MEDIC; ROBOTICS
TRANS-FORM: TURBO-CHARGED MOTORCYCLE
SIZE: {ROBOT} 22′ – {MOTORCYCLE} 6′

Firecycle is the compromise made with Hasbro. Instead of making Sideswipe a girl, we got a new robot, who also seems to be replacing Ratchet as the team medic. There was no toy and no official character design. She wasn’t even used for a female Autobot in “The Search For Alpha Trion”, though there was a Firestar…not to be confused with the superhero from Marvel Production’s own Spider-Man & His Amazing Friends.

PROFILE: FIRECYCLE IS THE ONLY FEMALE AUTOBOT. SHE IS PERHAPS THE MOST LEVEL-HEADED NEXT TO OPTIMUS PRIME. WHEN NOT IN HER ROBOT FORM, SHE IS A SLEEK, RED TURBO-CHARGED MOTORCYCLE. HER MAIN DUTY AS AN AUTOBOT IS AS MEDIC-MECHANIC. SHE IS A MASTER ELECTRO-MECHANICAL SURGEON WHO CAN SKILLFULLY LASER-STITCH EVEN THE MOST SEVERE AUTOBOT WOUNDS. FIRECYCLE HAS A DEEP LOVE AND ADMIRATION FOR OPTIMUS PRIME. HE MAY AT TIMES SENSE HIS LOVE FOR FIRECYCLE, BUT OPTIMUS FEARS GROWING TOO ATTACHED TO HER BECAUSE HE’S SEEN TOO MANY AUTOBOTS DESTROYED IN HIS THOUSAND YEARS OF FIGHTING AGAINST THE DECEPTICONS.

Thousands instead of millions. Not impossible. The “four million years” part was them sleeping. We don’t know the war lasted that long until the Ark crashed on Earth. This is a completely original character, and one that Hasbro should consider making official if they legally can now that these drafts are out in the world. I personally like the division between “medic” and “mechanic”, which won’t surprise anybody who has read my homemade Transformers lore, but someone who can do both would be important as a Cybertronian version of a “field medic”. The idea of giving Optimus a “love interest” before Elita-1 is curious. The comics and cartoons at the time disagreed about whether female Transformers existed, though now female Autobots AND Decepticons–and the various other factions and descendants–are multiversal canon.

ABILITIES: HER SKILL WITH MICRO-ELECTRONIC SURGERY MAKES FIRECYCLE AN EXPERT IN THE FIELD OF GENERAL ROBOTICS. “SHE CAN TURN A TOASTER INTO A FIGHTING MACHINE,” SAYS MIRAGE OF HER UNIQUE ABILITIES. AS A VEHICLE, SHE IS ONE OF THE FASTEST AUTOBOTS, HER TURBOCHARGED ENGINE CAPABLE OF SPEEDS IN EXCESS OF 150 MPH. WITH A PERFECTLY TIMED BURST OF HER TURBO-ASSIST, FIRECYCLE CAN MAKE JUMPS UP TO A HALF-MILE. IN HER MOTORCYCLE FORM SHE ALSO HAS THE ABILITY TO SPIN HER WHEELS AT HIGH SPEED, CAUSING A GYROSCOPIC
MOTION THAT LETS HER VIRTUAL CLIMB WALLS.

These are the old days, where making a female hero cool was for the same reason as making a male hero cool: because kids wanted to see cool heroes who could do cool things and look cool while doing it.

WEAPONRY: ON ONE SIDE, FIRECYCLE HAS A LASER HEAT-RAY THAT CAN MELT OR VAPORIZE ANYTHING IT COMES IN CONTACT WITH. ON THE OTHER SIDE IS A CHILLING ZERO-K BLASTER WHICH CAN FREEZE ANYTHING TO ABSOLUTE ZERO, ITS ATOMS STOPPING DEAD.

Interesting that she got formerly girl Starscream’s weapons instead of boy Starscream’s replacement as the girl character. Also interesting, and probably unintentional, is that Ratchet had two pieces of “medical” equipment in the comics that was a heat ray and freeze ray, but not powerful enough to fight anything stronger than a police car. They were stolen and used by the Mechanic, a rare Transformers villain I actually like…probably because of how little he was used.

WEAKNESSES: FIRECYCLE’S MAIN WEAKNESS IS HER UNWILLINGNESS TO INFLICT PAIN ON ANYTHING, BIOLOGICAL OR MECHANICAL. SHE IS EVEN RELUCTANT TO RIDE ON GRASS FOR FEAR SHE WILL HURT THIS STRANGE, GREEN LIFEFORM. KNOWING THIS, THE DECEPTICONS OFTEN TRAP HER BY FEIGNING PAIN OR WOUNDS, THUS PLAYING TO FIRECYCLE’S MEDIC OATH — DO ALL IN YOUR POWER TO HELP ALL THINGS TO SURVIVE.

Now that we know she exists, a toy of her would be cool. Use the design from McFeely’s video as a base (just be sure to pay the artist he used). Not hurting grass seems a bit too far. We wouldn’t get evidence of living plant people until Botanica in Beast Machines. I’m open to a few more medics among the Autobots.

And there’s where we have to leave it or this article will be way too long, if it isn’t already. Next time, Mirage, Trailbreaker, and not Bumblebee mark 2.