We finished the Autobots last time and now it’s the humans’ turn. The human allies to the Autobots don’t get their own “file”, so there’s no intro for them like there are the Autobots and Decepticons. The Autobots’ allies are lumped in as Autobot personnel and we’ll see the same for the Decepticons’ lone ally. For those of you just joining us this is a look at the second attempt to bring the Transformers cartoon to CBS, this time accepting the syndicated miniseries as history but causing a five-year time jump where the Decepticons rule Earth and the Autobots are trying to free the planet.
With this new draft now more inline with “More Than Meets The Eye”, set five years after the miniseries, I wonder if we’ll find out what happened to the Witwickys or if they even planned to acknowledge Spike and Sparkplug, given what they’ve become to the franchise. Chip and the others weren’t introduced until season one proper of the show we got, but it seems like they’re still trying to replace the miniseries as best they can.
The human cast would be added to, giving us two typical characters: the little brother and the pet, in this case a dog, still replacing the established characters. It’s odd that in the world where the Decepticons take over and institute a “big brother” idea with them using the disguises to spy on humans and find the Autobots they would have more allies. Still, that’s what we’re going with as we get to the last set of Autobot personnel files.
This is the only picture we have of the human (and dog) cast, so keep this in mind as you read the profiles.
NAME: MATT CONROY
LIFE FORM: HUMAN – MALE
AGE: 29 YEARS
HEIGHT: 6′
OCCUPATION: TRUCK DRIVER
For those of you who missed earlier installments, Matt would have originally have been named “Duke” but there was already a G.I. Joe character by that name and Hasbro didn’t need the confusion. Interestingly, there would be a Matt Hunter over at Challenge Of The GoBots, an astronaut who helps create the Guardian/Earth alliance UNECOM. In the first draft, where the Autobots possessed cars and turned them into bodies, Optimus would have taken over Duke’s truck. Meanwhile, the Masterforce character Ginrai shares a lot of concepts with Mr. Conroy in that he’s a trucker who just wants to do his job but has to deal with his truck being dragged into the war. Except Ginrai WAS the truck thanks to being a Powermaster/Godmaster.
PROFILE: WHEN MATT CONROY FIRST SAW THE ABANDONED TRACTOR-TRAILER RIG AT THE SIDE OF THE DESERT HIGHWAY, HE THOUGHT HIS LUCK WAS FINALLY CHANGING. HE’D BEEN OUT OF WORK FOR SEVERAL MONTHS, HIS OWN TRUCK HAVING BEEN REPOSSESSED BY THE BANK- MATT REPAIRED THE DAMAGED TRUCK, BUT THE MOMENT HE STARTED UP THE ENGINE HE KNEW THIS WAS NO ORDINARY TRUCK. IT WAS THEN THAT THE TRACTOR-TRAILER
HE SAT IN TRANSFORMED INTO THE MAMMOTH ROBOT FORM OF AN AUTOBOT WARRIOR. THAT WAS MATT’S FIRST CONTACT WITH OPTIMUS PRIME. AND HE’S BEEN BITCHING AND MOANING EVER SINCE. BUT MATT, HONEST, DOWN-HOME AMERICAN THAT HE IS, GREW TO LIKE THE AUTOBOTS, OR THE “MECHANICAL MEN FROM MARS” AS HE CALLED THEM- MATT IS THE HAN SOLO VARIETY OF HUMAN BEING. THE KIND OF GUY WHO’S GOT MORE IMPORTANT THINGS TO DO THAN SAVE THE UNIVERSE—LIKE MAKING A LIVING. BUT, LIKE HAN SOLO, HE’S ALSO THE KIND OF GUY WHO COMES THROUGH IN THE END. · MUCH LIKE JOHN WAYNE, HE’S TOUGH, AND HONEST AND HAS A HEART OF GOLD.
So now he’s closer to Mark Walberg’s character in the Bay films only a whiny boy. It’s strange how much of these two drafts ended up in later shapechanging robot projects, not all of which were Transformers.
ABILITIES: OPTIMUS PRIME QUIETLY TOLERATES MATT’S RAUCUS OUTBURSTS, PARTIALLY BECAUSE MATT KNOWS THE ROADS, KNOWS GOOD PLACES TO HIDE, AND HAS ONE THING THE AUTOBOTS ARE SEVERELY LACKING: A COMMON SENSE UNDERSTANDING ABOUT HOW PEOPLE AND THINGS WORK ON EARTH. EVEN WITH THEIR COMPUTER CIRCUIT MINDS, THE AUTOBOTS ARE STILL ON AN ALIEN PLANET, AND DO NOT FULLY UNDERSTAND MUCH OF THE STRANGE THINGS THAT GO ON AROUND THEM. THE OTHER REASON OPTIMUS TOLERATES MATT IS BECAUSE HE LIKES HIM- IF OPTIMUS WERE BACK ON CYBERTRON DURING PEACEFUL TIMES, HE MIGHT BE DOING JUST WHAT MATT WAS DOING, CRUISING AROUND AND “TALKING TO HIS BUDDIES” ON THE CB- MATT IS ALSO A GREAT MECHANIC AND SOMETIMES MIGHT EVEN WIND UP FIXING THE AUTOBOTS. HE DOESN’T FULLY UNDERSTAND THEIR SOPHISTICATED ELECTRONIC “GUTS,” BUT HE CAN USUALLY RIG SOMETHING UP TO GET THEM MOVING AGAIN.
Compare that with Sparkplug, who rather easily figured out how to repair Autobots. Of course the cartoon version had Ratchet to teach him and was already a mechanical engineer and mechanic. I like the part about how if there wasn’t a war Optimus would just be a what Matt is. Given his eventual cartoon origin as a dock worker, I like Optimus/Orion Pax starting out as a working guy who rose up the ranks after nearly dying and seeing how evil the Decepticons truly are.
WEAKNESSES: TALKS TOO MUCH. ALTHOUGH MATT IS HELPFUL IN MANY SITUATIONS, HIS INCESSANT TALKING AND NON-TECHNICAL ANALYSIS OF THE SITUATIONS CAUSES MUCH ANNOYANCE TO THE AUTOBOTS. MATT IS CONSTANTLY BANTERING WITH OPTIMUS, WHOSE VOICE COMES OVER HIS CB RADIO. BUT WHAT REALLY BURNS MATT UP IS WHEN OPTIMUS PRIME TAKES OVER THE TRUCK’S CONTROLS AND TRANSFORMS INTO HIS ROBOT FORM. HE BITCHES LIKE A BACKSEAT DRIVER, SEATED IN THE CAB, WHICH HAS NOW BECOME PART OF PRIME’S GIANT, ROBOT CHEST. “I’LL CREAM YA IF YA DENT MY TRUCK, YOU TIN PIRATE,” IS ALL THAT MATT CAN THINK TO SAY WHEN THE AUTOBOTS ARE BATTLING THE DECEPTICONS FOR SUPREMACY OF THE UNIVERSE.
Not having someone of Sparkplug’s skill could definitely hurt the team, and that might be part of the plan. They seem to be wanting to limit the Autobots as best they can, really build on that “underdog rebel” idea. I just keep wanting Sparkplug back. Having him complain that Optimus controls his own body doesn’t work the same way here as the original concept of Optimus possessing Duke’s truck. It makes Matt look like a jerk and I wonder what they really took away from Han Solo.
What I do like is the idea that Matt would be in Optimus’ cab. Optimus’ original Diaclone toy counterpart could fit little figures in his chest, where I always put the fists because they weren’t part of the Transformers release. I did get a knock-off from one of the other toys in the Diaclone line called Diakron that came with five of the figures despite being a 14 piece combiner in the style of the Voltron vehicle team. I used them as the human allies, which meant my Chip Chase could walk, I guess.
NAME: BURT
LIFE FORM: GERMAN SHEPHERD
OWNER: MATT CONROY
Burt is one of the new additions in this version. They really liked giving characters pets. Dungeons & Dragons even broke out a baby unicorn as the team mascot. I don’t mind it so long as they serve a purpose in the narrative. Luckily, Burt does.
PROFILE: BURT IS MATT’S FAITHFUL GERMAN SHEPHERD. HE IS HIGHLY INTELLIGENT AND FRIENDLY TO HUMANS AND AUTOBOTS ALIKE. BUT GET HIM ANYWHERE NEAR A DECEPTICON AND LOOK OUT. HE’D BUST HIS TEETH TRYING TO CHEW A HOLE IN THEIR METALLIC SKIN.
I wonder why an Autobot and a Decepticon would smell different?
ABILITIES• BURT HAS THE UNIQUE ABILITY OF BEING THE ONLY PERSON, ANIMAL OR THING THAT CAN SMELL OUT A DECEPTICON IN ITS DISGUISED FORM. WHAT LOOKS LIKE AN ORDINARY BULL DOZER TO MATT WILL ELICIT A HATEFUL SNARL FROM BURT, WARNING THE OTHERS OF A DISGUISED DECEPTICON. IT IS THIS ABILITY THAT CAUSES MATT TO WONDER IF THERE IS SOME KIND OF “DIFFERENCE” BETWEEN A DECEPTICON AND AN AUTOBOT, OTHER THAN THEIR POLITICAL PERSUASION. BECAUSE OF HIS SENSATIVE NOSE {SOMETHING THE DECEPTICONS JUST CAN’T SEEM TO FIGURE OUT}, BURT IS A VALUABLE ASSET TO THE AUTOBOTS, AND A MARKED DOG TO THE DECEPTICONS. THEY WANT HIM “OUT OF THE PICTURE,” TO PUT IT MILDLY.
I wonder if that ability would come up? One thing we’ll be looking at is the pitch of episode ideas, with “A Bot & His Dog” being it’s own extended file, a story focusing on Burt. I like the idea of animals in general being more wary around Decepticons even in their alt modes given how they already treat machines in the real world.
WEAKNESSES: BURT IS A SUCKER FOR AN 8 oz. NEW YORK STEAK.
Well he IS a dog. Not sure what to add there.
NAME: WENDY FAIRCHILD
LIFEFORM: HUMAN – FEMALE
AGE: 16 YEARS
HEIGHT: 5′ 2″
A teenage girl seems an odd fit for a boys show, but blame CBS. Feminism was still a thing back there and they loved their “girls can do anything boys can do” ideas. Again, if she can add something to the team or the narrative I’m okay with it.
PROFILE: WENDY FAIRCHILD WAS JUST AN ORDINARY TEENAGE GIRL FROM A MIDWESTERN TOWN. LIKE DOMINIQUE DUNNE IN “POLTERGEIST,” WENDY LIVES IN A TYPICAL SUBURBAN TRACT HOME WITH HER MOM, DAD AND LITTLE BROTHER. HER PARENTS WORK IN ONE OF THE LARGEST ROBOT FABRICATING PLANTS UNDER THE CONTROL OF THE DECEPTICONS. SHE WAS THE KIND OF GIRL WHOSE GREATEST CONCERN WAS NOT WHO’D WIND UP ASKING HER TO THE HIGH SCHOOL DANCE, BUT WOULD ANYONE ASK HER AT ALL. BUT NOW WENDY’S GOT OTHER THINGS TO THINK ABOUT. EVER SINCE MUFFLER MISTAKENLY GOT HIMSELF BOUGHT BY HER SHE HAS BECOME ONE OF THE FEW HUMANS IN THE WORLD TO KNOW THE INNER WORKINGS OF THE AUTOBOT /DECEPTICON CONFRONTATION. WENDY IS TORN BETWEEN HELPING THE AUTOBOTS DEFEAT THE DECEPTICONS AND GROWING UP LIKE A NORMAL TEEN.
HAVING AN AUTOBOT FOR A CAR MAKES LIFE VERY TOUGH FOR WENDY. SHE MIGHT BE ON A DATE WITH A GUY SHE’S BEEN TRYING TO TAKE OUT FOR A MONTH. JUST WHEN THE DRIVE-IN MOVIE THEY’RE WATCHING STARTS TO GET BORING AND HER DATE GETS OTHER IDEAS, WENDY WILL SUDDENLY GET A SIGNAL FROM MUFFY AND WILL HAVE TO KICK HER DATE OUT AND SPEED AWAY BEFORE HE LEARNS HER SECRET- SO MUCH FOR HER SOCIAL LIFE. WENDY MIGHT BE INVOLVED IN SOME JEOPARDY, OR IN SOME COMEDIC ACTION AS MUFFY SPLITS WITH HER CAR, LEAVING HER TO EXPLAIN TO HER CURIOUS DAD HOW SHE “UH, LOANED THE CAR TO A GIRLFRIEND.” WE MIGHT SEE HER AGAIN, AT THE END OF THE SAME STORY, TRYING TO EXPLAIN HOW HER GIRLFRIEND MANAGED TO GET A HALF-DOZEN “LASER HOLES” IN THE FRONT WINDSHIELD.
It’s hard for me to accept the “will he ask me out” bit when they’re STILL BEING RULED BY ROBOTS WHO MAKE HER PARENTS BUILD ROBOTS! I know she’s a teen girl, but even that has limits. She had to be 11 when the Decepticons took over, maybe 10 or 12 depending on when her birthday is. There are things they really should have let go of and saved for another project. So what does she add besides having access to info about what’s going on at the robot factory? So far she seems to be only here for comic relief, similar to Junko Shiragami/Kelly from Car Robots/Robots In Disguise ver. 1.
ABILITIES: SHE’S SMART AS A WHIP AND HAS A WEALTH OF INFORMATION TO GIVE THE AUTOBOTS ABOUT THE PEOPLE, PLACES AND THINGS OF EARTH. SHE ALSO BRINGS A WARM, EMOTIONAL SIDE OF LIFE TO THE AUTOBOTS, HELPING
THEM TO UNDERSTAND MORE ABOUT HUMANS … AND THEMSELVES. WENDY HAS A WORKING UNDERSTANDING OF COMPUTERS, AND THUS IS VERY VALUABLE IN TERMS OF SNEAKING INTO DECEPTION CONTROLLED MANUFACTURING
AREAS TO GET VITAL INFORMATION OTHERWISE UNOBTAINABLE BY THE AUTOBOTS.
So she’s a hacker? Well, at least she’s useful, as Matt could tell them more about Earth, being an adult and traveled around alot in his job. A cute hacker in a 1980s story? I guess that would be possible, but less likely than in the real world. Gotta play them stereotypes.
WEAKNESSES: WENDY’S BASIC WEAKNESS IS HER FEAR OF THE DECEPTICONS, AND HER CONCERN THAT IF SHE IS CAUGHT HELPING THE AUTOBOTS, SOMETHING MIGHT HAPPEN TO HER FAMILY.
Making her more worried about her family than her social life makes her less annoying anyway. They should have led with that. They just didn’t want to let go of the civilian life stories. I like those, but they would feel so out of place with this altered concept. Maybe if the Decepticons were still trying to take over like the show we got, but now when they’re run by an alien tyranny.
NAME: EDDIE FAIRCHILD
LIFE FORM: HUMAN – MALE
AGE: 11 YEARS
HEIGHT: 4′ 10″
The other new addition. Eddie is the obligatory kid/little brother character. I hope they weren’t going to botch that. Even I can’t defend all of them.
PROFILE: EDDIE IS WENDY’S YOUNGER BROTHER. SHE TRIED TO KEEP HIM FROM FINDING OUT ABOUT MUFFLER, BUT EDDIE’S UNCONTROLLABLE CURIOSITY AND YOUTHFUL SUSPICION OF HIS ELDERS, LED TO HIS DISCOVERING THE ROBOT ALTER-IDENTITY OF HIS SISTER’S VW. EDDIE’S REACTION: HE THINKS MUFFLER AND THE AUTOBOTS ARE “NEAT.” EDDIE HAS A WAY OF SHOWING UP AT THE MOST INOPPORTUNE TIMES, JUST SITTING IN MUFFLER’S BACKSEAT, WATCHING THE ACTION IN THE MIDDLE OF A DEADLY AUTOBOT/DECEPTICON BATTLE- EDDIE LIKES MUFFLER, AND THINKS THAT HE’S THE GREATEST AUTOBOT. THIS IS SOMETIMES COMFORTING TO THE SOMETIMES “NERDY” ROBOT, BUT EVEN MUFFLER KNOWS THAT AN ELEVEN YEAR OLD’S OPINION OF AUTOBOT QUALITY DOESN’T HOLD MUCH WEIGHT IN THE UNIVERSE. EDDIE IS AN INCESSANT QUESTION ASKER. HE’S CONSTANTLY PESTERING MUFFLER ABOUT EVERYTHING, LIKE “IS IT TRUE THAT IF I GOT SUCKED INTO A BLACK HOLE I’D POP OUT IN ANOTHER UNIVERSE?” … AND.~-“DID PEOPLE FROM OUTER SPACE BUILD THE PYRAMIDS?” ETC., ETC., ETC.
Nope, even I don’t like him right now. He’s like the worst aspects of Spridle from Speed Racer. If you’re going to have a kid character, make him useful or at least don’t give him a personality other kids would hate. Remember, kids are your audience and even they can only accept so much. The fact that he doesn’t even have an “abilities” section, which they even gave to the dog, tells you how little help he would have been to the Autobots.
WEAKNESSES: EDDIE’S BIGGEST WEAKNESS IS HIS TOTAL DISREGARD FOR DANGER. IT IS THIS ASPECT OF HIS PERSONALITY THAT WILL OFTEN GET HIM INTO DEEP TROUBLE, FROM WHICH THE OTHERS MUST EXTRACT HIM, USUALLY AT THE EXPENSE OF SOME OTHER MILITARY GAIN.
So the Darwin award winner who just causes trouble for the others and is basically there to hamper the Autobots efforts when you’d think their current situation would be enough. Yeah, even I’m not defending this kid’s addition. And remember, I defend Scrappy-Doo, Scott & T-Bob, Snarf (I don’t think Snarf NEEDS a defense), and could find a use for Saban’s Masked Rider‘s Ferbus (though he’s useless as the show presents him). This kid? More harm than good does not a likable or relatable kid character make.
Next time, the fake computer files look into the Decepticon forces that would be prominent in the show. Starscream has his gender back, but Megatron’s going to be replaced by someone else. One out of two, Screamer.
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