The Horrible Matchmaking of Geoff Johns

If I HAVE to say something nice about this cover, it shows how much Diana’s lasso is a part of her as it hugs Supers for her. Or is that stupid, too?

Perhaps you’ve already seen this cover. I know Twitter is all abuzz about it. Justice League #12, confirmed by DC Comics as the beginning of a Superman/Wonder Woman romance. This finally convinced me that the New 52 is all about playing to the “cool kids”. Think about it. The cool kids hate that red area in Superman’s pants and the same with the blue of Batman. (Said cool kids also hate the 60’s Batman series and any elements from that era must never exist. Don’t expect to see Bat-Mite mentioned ever again.) The cool kids also don’t like kind-hearted kids with no tragedy to turn them into heroes because only tragedy makes someone want to fight crime. You know, like every police officer and soldier on the planet. Not wanting to help others or protect their homes and loved one. Just tragedy. And since Billy Batson being kicked out by his greedy uncle after his parents die wasn’t enough, he’s now a little brat.

To prove there are no girls among the cool kids, they want Starfire to be an emotionless sex toy that blows stuff up and to watch Catwoman and Batman get it on. They also like to say that Superman and Lois shouldn’t sleep together, married or otherwise, because he’s hurt her while having sex. Just watch that scene in Hancock where they lampshade that. Or better yet, watch a review or something because that movie is lame. Of course they have a hard time believing you wouldn’t use X-Ray vision to see every hot chick naked and wouldn’t try to take over the world with your other superhuman powers. That’s how you end up with books like Irredeemable or that one I can’t remember the name of where the super”heroes” take over the planet for the “good of the people of Earth”.

So who can handle the Kryptonian Super Baby Cannon? Why Wonder Woman of course. In fact, outside of Maxima (who may or may not exist in the New 52), no other woman can. Allegedly. Thus Superman and Wonder Woman, just shy of deity status, should by logic be the actual couple.

This is why I hate the cool kids. Let me tell you just why this is rock stupid.

Let’s start with Superman. Yes, I know they want him to be all alien and isolated, which is a whole other rant against stupidity. From day one in other continuities there has been a connection between Clark and Lois. Heck, they made an entire TV show around that coupling and while I have my share of faults with it I can say there were some good ideas. It was also better than Smallville any day of the week in part because it embraced the sillier concept rather than being ashamed of them. Not counting that whole “can’t consummate the marriage until you lift the reincarnation curse” or anything involving the “Wedding Destroyer”. (If you want to see that done right, check out Power Rangers Wild Force or Power Rangers Samurai.)

Why that connection? I’m no psychologist/psychiatrist or anything but let me give it a shot anyway. Clark really is that mild mannered. It’s not a complete act, just an exaggerated one. Now that could just be to hide his powers or in some continuities something practiced during his years as Superboy. He’s not weak like he pretends to be, but he’s also not as strong as Superman acts. Forget that stupid Five For Fighting Song. They get it wrong, too. Clark isn’t emo when J. Michael isn’t writing him.

I need more Lois Lane footage in my media library.

Lois completes Clark. She’s confident, independent, but with a strong sense of right and wrong and caring for others. She seeks the truth partly to win an award but also because she honestly cares. Clark/Superman, on the other hand, also believes in truth and justice (American way…well, we’ve already had that argument), and is compassionate. However, he’s not as comfortable around people as he would become, making friends with his co-workers and other parties. Lois  helps drive him not because he has to rescue her every day that ends in a “y” but because of her spirit and determination. She helps put the “man” in Superman and when she doesn’t…well, you get the New 52 Superman, don’t you?

Steve and Diana is a little harder for me because I admittedly didn’t read much of the comic pre-Crisis and post-Crisis Steve ended up with a re-imagined Etta Candy. Most of what I know of their relationship comes from what little I’ve seen and the TV show. They met once in the more recent Justice League cartoon and I don’t think he popped up at all on Superfriends. From what I can tell, though, Diana and Steve are both pretty strong-willed and have the same goals. Where they complete each other is that he reminds her she can be strong without giving up her femininity and she helps him accept a woman as an equal. Is that pretty much right?

Now why would a Clark/Diana relationship not work? Because Diana Prince is an act and so is Superman. Wonder Woman comes from an island of Amazons that, until recently, were feminine warrior rather than the bloodthirsty warrior women of myth. This new version isn’t necessarily cold from what little I’ve seen but she would need a mate as strong as she is; not physically or biologically but emotionally. This is where it all falls apart. With a decent writer, a rare find in DC lately and with this title Johns doesn’t qualify, they could be friends and allies due to their honor codes and sense of justice and protecting the innocent. So why wouldn’t Wonder Woman hook up with Cyborg if that’s all they needed? Superman isn’t afraid to fight but he would rather talk things out. Look how he handled Anguish in his own title.

THIS IS HOW YOU DO SUPERMAN!

That’s Superman and Giffen gets Superman. Which is why he and Jurgens were tossed aside for Lobdel, but that’s another rant. Wonder Woman, on the other hand, is trained as a warrior and while she also has a strong, caring heart and is the bastion of truth, will take the warrior’s approach first, especially Wonder Woman 52. These are polar opposite and their strengths do not cover their weaknesses as well as you’d think because these are not disadvantages. They are only different perspectives. There is no completion romantically, there is only conflict.

I also need more Wonder Woman images. And any of Steve Trevor.

As allies in the Justice League they are able to put aside their differences and balance each other out. They work well together but while there is a friendship it’s no different than their friendship with the third “Trinity” member, Batman.

(And yes, I know that Justice League Unlimited tried to ship Batman and Wonder Woman, but that relationship isn’t on trial here and made little more sense than Kal-El and Diana.)

Try telling all this to the cool kids. All they see is that Superman is too strong for Lois and only Diana could handle a bed romp with him without injuries. (Well, maybe Supergirl, but that’s just weird.) So logically they have to hook up and if your Frank Miller cause unnatural disasters while doing so. Because Frank Miller has issues. Lots of issues. All they’re thinking about is the biology, which is the nice way of saying their thinking with their red area parts. Or maybe they think that because these are the most powerful people on the planet they should hook up despite their personal ideologies, personal interests, goals, and general lifestyle.

This is why I hate the “cool kids”. Sadly, they now run the Bad Fanfic Brigade.